It may feel like the holidays are still a ways off, but for those of us with social anxiety the season is already looming. Family dinners, work parties, and the expectation to be of good cheer can snowball into a sense of dread you feel you can’t outrun.

Social anxiety, one of the most common mental health conditions, often intensifies ahead of the holiday season. Worrying about social situations for weeks before they happen, feeling anxious right before the event and mentally scrutinizing every interaction afterward can make you want to avoid going altogether. But that in-the-moment feel good relief of cancelling is often fleeting and can develop into an isolating habit. Despite your trepidation, putting on your shoes and getting out the door can actually help decrease your fear response when invitations arise. And the upside is you may be pleasantly surprised to find you have a nice time.

Don’t know how you’ll do it? Try taking these steps to create a calming plan so you can prepare yourself for holiday events of any kind:

Pre-party preparation is essential when it comes to managing social anxiety. Practicing positive coping skills like meditation or listening to music can help lower your stress. Counter negative self-talk by reminding yourself that it’s alright to feel nervous. Trying on different outfits and choosing an ensemble a few days before the event can help ease your apprehension when it’s time to get ready. Reach out to friends who are also going to see if they’d like to go with you. Using the buddy system can provide a fail-safe for conversation and help boost your self-confidence. And have an exit strategy – it can help tame the anticipatory anxiety of not knowing when or how you’ll leave.

When you’re at the party, “the key to connecting with others is being curious about the person while allowing them to feel heard and listened to,” says psychologist Dr. Deborah Serani. Opening with a compliment can have a positive effect and is a great way to break the ice. Once engaged, take the pressure off yourself by becoming the listener rather than the talker. Using active listening and asking open-ended follow-up questions like “That sounds great, tell me more about your travels” can help keep the conversation flowing.

If you’re overwrought at the thought of starting a conversation, volunteer to help your host. Keeping your hands busy and mind focused on non-social tasks will help to assuage your anxiety. Plus, it can create opportunities for short and sweet small talk with the other guests that will feel less daunting than longer conversations.

Take it easy on, or better yet avoid alcohol altogether. The concept of alcohol loosening you up is really just a risk of losing control of your behavior.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed, step away. Go outside or into the bathroom to be by yourself for a few minutes and take some deep breaths. Try using a calming breathing technique like the 5-4-3-2-1 Method, which is designed to manage stress, or the 4-7-8 Relaxing Breath Method. Either of these grounding exercises can help ease the anxiety so you can prepare to rejoin the party.

There’s no rule saying you have to stick it out until the end. Stay for as long as you feel you can and when you’re ready to go, thank your hosts and head out. If they encourage you to stay you can say it’s a busy time and that you wanted to make sure to attend even though you couldn’t stay long. With your exit strategy in place you will shift seamlessly from leaving the party to going home.

When you get home, kick off your shoes and decompress. Any activity you find comforting, like sipping a cup of hot tea or curling up with a favorite movie, will help you transition from social to relaxation mode. Mind quieting yoga stretches can help ease the stress of any “I should have” or “if only” thoughts that may come creeping in. Whether or not you made stimulating conversation, acknowledge your achievement. You went, and showing up means it was a success.

The only perfect holiday season is the one that feels right for you. If you need support with setting boundaries, like choosing which events you want to go to and sending polite regrets to the rest, reach out to a trusted friend, coach or therapist for support. You can make it through mandatory family and work gatherings by setting and honoring a timeline that works for you. Create your own holiday joy by being kind to yourself and preparing yourself to enjoy.

If you, someone you love or someone in your network struggles with managing social anxiety around the holidays, The Recovery Coach NY is here to help. Learn about the benefits of working with a member of our Mental Health Coach team by speaking confidentially with Cindy via phone at 631-921-4085 or you can email her directly here.

Our program, developed by Founder & President Cindy Feinberg, is based on the philosophical theory of holism: The system as a whole determines how the parts behave.Working together, we develop a plan to provide the safety, structure and accountability that promotes long-term wellness.

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