“I hear you.” It’s a widely used phrase, an acknowledgement of what was said that conveys sympathy to the speaker after expressing how they feel. It’s a convenient way to respond but does not mean you are actually listening. Although it’s often assumed that the two are interchangeable they are distinctly different. Hearing is a passive physical process that happens automatically (if you don’t have any audio issues). Listening is an action requiring focus and attention and effort. You can be hearing and not listening at the same time.

Listening is a vital element of proper communication for building and sustaining relationships with friends, family and co-workers. It’s a skill that can be honed by using Active Listening techniques like being present and making eye contact. Adding a practice of Empathetic Listening can take that skill to the next level. An extension of Active Listening, it was developed by psychologist Carl Rogers who describes it as: “… the listener’s effort to hear the other person deeply, accurately, and non-judgmentally.” It’s making a connection by listening attentively while reassuring gently. It’s the practice of creating a conversation not just from what you hear, but also from your heart.

You may be the type of person who listens empathically without even thinking about it. If you’re not, you’re not alone. Listening with empathy can be difficult when the subject hits a little too close to home. If this occurs, try putting your feelings aside for the moment and concentrate on what is being said. You could find that common ground is what allows your empathy to surface.

Empathetic listening begins at the start of a conversation. When someone comes to you with an issue or a problem, instead of asking “What’s Wrong?” ask “What can I do to help?” As an empathetic listener your role in the conversation is to engage with kindness and an open mind. Be patient, don’t interrupt and avoid snap judgments by placing your focus solely on the issues being shared in real time. And if they fall silent, grant the speaker the grace to think things through by being quiet with them.

As the conversation progresses, be aware of their body language. Covering the mouth or keeping the head down are indications of anxiety and nervousness. To help put them at ease, create a safe space for them to continue by quietly responding with small agreeable comments like “Yes” and “Uh-huh” to assure them you are listening without judgement. Similarly, use your body language as non-verbal communication to connect with the speaker. Nodding your head, keeping your posture open and arms uncrossed are all ways to convey that you’re receptive to what they’re saying.

When the time arrives for you to speak, come from a place of encouragement and support. Treat the speaker like you would want to be treated if you were in the same situation. Begin your reply with statements like “Thank you for trusting me with this” or “It sounds like this is so frustrating for you” to validate their feelings in a thoughtful way.

Continue by asking open-ended questions that paraphrase what they’ve said, like “It sounds like you’re saying …” or “What I’m hearing is …”. Repeating their thoughts and feelings back to the speaker builds trust by showing them that you cared enough to remember what they said. Using this technique, known as Reflective Responding, provides clarity for both you and the speaker about the issue and helps avoid any misunderstandings as you continue to a mutually beneficial conclusion.

Empathetic Listening is Active Listening turned up to eleven. Anyone who opens themself up to being vulnerable by sharing their thoughts and feelings deserves an empathetic listener. So the next time you say “I hear you”, take the extra step and say “I’m here for you.”

Does this sound like you? Someone you know or someone you work with? Learning to listen actively and emphatically sometimes involves speaking to someone who knows how. A member of The Recovery Coach NY Mental Health Coaching team will listen to you and support you in sharpening your listening skills. Reach out to Cindy via phone at 631-921-4085 to have a confidential conversation about how we can help or you can reach her directly via email here.

Whatever stage of mental health recovery you are in, whatever level of support you need, a member of The Recovery Coach NY team can guide you through assessing your strengths and developing goals for next steps. The Recovery Coach NY honors all paths of recovery with years of experience and a vast array of resources that can support those in need find the way to the life of joy and purpose they deserve. We come with an empathetic ear and solution-oriented actions that can begin to bring the relief you and your loved one seek.

We provide Recovery Coaching, Mental Health Support & Coaching, Sobriety & Mental Health Companionship, Executive Function & Accountability Coaching, Academic Coaching & Scholastic Support, Safe Transport, Case Management, Psychedelic Integration Coaching, Intervention and Emergency Services. For more information and additional services, go to our website.